Today was no different from every other day. I woke up. I ate. I went through the motions. My family went through stacks of papers and binders that were piled in the garage.
My dad left for work, so I brought in boxes and containers with papers inside of them. My mom and I went through the stacks, looking at pictures and adoption material.
There were my dad's work papers and anything else people could dream up.
That's when we ran into my old life's pictures.
In the stack, were pictures of my birth mom, birth sister, old family. On the back of most, there were captions, telling me who each person was. On a few of the pictures, there were letters, to me. I felt as if I had been slapped in the face.
I never wanted to be reminded of my past. But every day I am reminded.
Every day, someone else wants to know what happened to my birth mom, and every day I tell them, I don't know and I don't care.
But today, I was reminded that all my ignorance, was a lie. I do care. Even when I want to hide it. It rips me apart inside, just to know what she did with her life after I left.
I am scared.
Will the answer be good? Do I even truly care? Sometimes I feel guilty. The parents that I have, love me. They do everything they can just for me. And all I think about, is the life that was taken from me.
I am angry.
I should have never looked at those pictures. To think, I will turn 18 next year. I will be an adult. An adult, that gets angry every time he hears his birth mom's name.
I am hurt.
Nothing will ever change that. I can not express my pain. I can only do it in the best place and way I know how: In my home, written in words.
I am torn.
That memories and pictures could so easily inflict wounds.
That is all I have to say.
I won't look to make it right. That won't change what I feel or believe. I only hope that she has changed her life.
And that every memory hurts her as much as it does for me.
© 2013 Isaiah P. Henn, all rights reserved.
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Sometimes I forget you haven't always been here and sometimes I forget what you have been through. We love you.
ReplyDeleteYour words are so true and raw, I hope that the comfort of your forever family will calm that hurt. Thank You for sharing what isn't easy to read. I needed a good cry.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I have built my family through adoption and you have put into words some of what they might be feeling (though for different reasons).
ReplyDeleteAll three of my children were adopted from orphanages in China. In China it is illegal to place a child for adoption unless you can show that you are unable to care for that child.
My girls (now 14 and 12) were abandoned shortly after birth just because they were girls. My oldest doesn't care. She is my deep thinker and I believe she knows she might not want to know the whole story. The 12-year-old really would like to know about her birth family.
My son is now 10. He was abandoned because he was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. It is a deformity. I don't know what he thinks. He has autism and is non-verbal, though he does use an app on an iPad to help him communicate.
You are a delightful writer. I look forward to following you.